Just a few words.

So, here's the thing. I've got a hurricane behind me and an election ahead of me that I desperately just want to be over and settled because it's giving me uncomfortable stress levels. And besides quietly endorsing Obama on facebook I've been trying to keep politics out of my internet presence too much, but I need to say something.

If you are, are friends with, or are related to women, and respect their rights, do not vote for Romney.

If  you are, are friends with, or are related to immigrants, and respect their rights, do not vote for Romney.

If you are, are friends with, or are related to members of religious minorities, and respect their rights, do not vote for Romney.

If you are, are friends with, or are related to the middle and working classes, and respect their rights, do not vote for Romney.

If you are, are friends with, or are related to persons of color, and respect their rights, do not vote for Romney. 

If you are, are friends with, or are related to members of the LGBTQ community, and respect their rights, for the love of all that is good in this world, DO NOT VOTE FOR ROMNEY.

I will not tell you who to vote for. You can vote for Obama or Jill Stein or Mickey Mouse or Ralph Nader or whoever you want. And this has been said a million times by people who are far more eloquent than me, but -

You cannot look a person in the eye, take a shit on their rights, and go home and laugh at Modern Family. That is not okay.

I would like to know what alternate universe Rick Perry comes from where Christians are a persecuted minority.

So there's this asinine campaign ad:

And this brilliant parody that manages to point out a lot of reasons why Governor Perry is a xenophobic jackass while making me exceptionally proud of my co-religionist.

I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a Jew -- Heck, I'm even a Rabbi... but you don't need to be in shul on every Shabbos to know there's something wrong in our country when gays can serve openly in the military and yet they still can't get married legally in most U.S. States.
Our Jewish kids in public school have to watch as their peers celebrate Christmas -- a holiday they don't observe. They have to sit quietly as the Christian students pray in school. That just seems uncomfortable.

As President, I will fight to end this crazy talk that there's a war on religion. And I will fight anyone who discriminates against others simply because of their sexual orientation.Intelligence made America strong. It can make her strong again.

I'm Rabbi Jason Miller and I think it's too cold to film a video outside in Michigan in the winter. Who approved this?

YES. THANK YOU, RABBI MILLER.


I have been head-desking since Perry’s ad went up both about his blatant homophobia and also his subtle-as-a-ton-of-bricks implication that Christianity is the only valid religion in the United States. Which it isn’t. There is no war on Christmas, Christians are still the religious majority, and that is likely not going to change. However, this perceived sense of “persecution” that the far right feels is dangerous to every religion that actually is discriminated against. 

The United States of America were founded on the principle that every religion is free and equal under the law. However, by creating an imaginary war on Christian values, the Far Right stands to sway a tremendous number of xenophobic voters to push legislation that seriously impedes on the rights of practitioners of every other religion in this country, including those that practice no religion at all. 

There is no “war on Christianity.” There is not a “War against Christmas.” The Democratic party does not have a kill list with Jesus and Santa Claus right at the top.

All this imaginary war does is perpetuate the real war on religion that is going on in this country - the discrimination and sometimes outright hatred that Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, Athiests, and all other groups perceived by the far right as being a “threat” face. 

Christian Values are not American Values. 

“One Nation, Indivisible, with liberty and justice for all” is. 

Stop the hate. 

Also? Same jacket.

I'm about to piss a lot of people off.

Was 9/11 terrible? Yes. I was nine years old when it happened, and it stands out in my mind as the first truly terrible thing that I was aware of. Did wars and natural disasters happen in the years between 1991 and 2001? Yes, but I don't remember them. But yes, let's all agree (for the sake of argument and because it was) that 9/11 was terrible and lots of people lost their lives and it's basically shadowed American culture since. Never forget.

Was Osama Bin Laden a horrible, vile, disgusting man who deserved to die for what he did? Yes. Absolutely. He's probably sitting in a hell-as-a-bureaucracy right now, holding a will-call number and trading dirty looks with Hitler and Stalin. Which is right where he belongs. Because he killed innocents, lead a crooked, violent, dehumanizing regime, and spent ten years trolling our country with viral videos clips while we couldn't find the guy.

Is it terrific that our troops have finally managed to find and shoot him? Yes. I'm not going to argue with you. The world is better for him being dead. Absolutely.

I am a red-blooded American. I love this country and I love progress. (I would love to see more of it.)

Do I think that setting off fireworks, partying in the streets, and making t-shirts is absolutely the wrong way to behave upon hearing that we have killed the FBI's most wanted?

Oh my god, you fucking rednecks, are you kidding me.

Our army shot someone. We did not win the world cup. Have some class.

It is traditional to save the ticker tape parade for when the troops/politician/astronauts/whoever COME HOME. This is not a victory until every last American soldier is out of Afghanistan. We won a battle. Let's not forget that we still have to finish the war.

The Oscars, Anti-feminism, and singing in the key of Awkward

Disclaimers first, I'm not a very good feminist. I'm part of this weird nineties generation of girls that has been brought up to think we can be whatever we can be without having to fight for it. Because when I was a little girl, Barbie could be a doctor, a teacher, an airline stewardess, and an astronaut. (Never mind that she was subliminally telling me that math was hard.) Because I was born post-Tereshkova, post-Sally Ride, post-Thatcher, pre-Palin. Because Lisa Simpson told me that the glass ceiling wasn't just invisible, it was imaginary. Because I was promised a post-gender world as a child, one where women wore shoulder pads to make themselves masculine and imposing, where they ran business meetings and answered clunky cell phones phones and wore leg warmers when they exercised and had feathered hair. (This is what I remember of my formative years in the 90s. I might have them mixed up with the 80s.) So I'm not a very good feminist. But I still know it when I see it.

So let's talk about the Oscars. First of all, I feel betrayed by Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THIS. You went to Harvard! You understand math that just looks like squiggles and lines to me! You are "one of the brightest stars of the generation" and I don't know who I'm quoting on that but I'm sure I'm quoting someone. Indie darling, blockbuster queen, gracefully transitioning from child phenom into leading lady. So you've just won an Oscar! How does it feel?

Great? Good. What are you going to do next?

Make a speech? Well, sure, everyone does. A really long, rambly speech? Again, everyone does. You're going to thank everyone who has helped you, ever, in advancing your career to this point? Great, good for you, I love a gracious winner!

You're going to thank your boyfriend for giving you "the most important role" of your life?

WHAT.

WHAT.

WHAT.

You are going to thank the dude for knocking you up, on national television, and belittle EVERYTHING you have done in your entire life in the process?

WHAT.

WHAT.

WHAT.

This is not me "hating on breeders." I have no problem with people who have kids. In fact, I think kids are great. I want kids someday! However I don't think that anyone should be defined, or allow themselves to be defined, or define themselves, by their ability to spawn. "Oh, yeah, I cured cancer, developed an interplanetary rocket that runs on cow pies, and published a novel. But I guess that's all peanuts now that I'm pregnant." Or this:

I don't think I would have cared if she'd said "my next great role" or something of the ilk. It was the phrase "most important role" that bothered me. We tend to criminalize women who put their careers ahead of their kids and put women who put their kids ahead of their careers up on pedestals. There doesn't seem to be any sort of happy medium between the two, at least not in society's general view of things, but I know from my own personal experience that there must be, because my mother managed to raise three intelligent, responsible members of society from birth to adulthood while still becoming a successful and influential member of her field. And while I'm sure she's proud of my siblings and I, and proud of herself for raising us, I don't think that the fact of us totally belittles every single thing that she's ever done professionally.

But moving on, because this isn't actually meant to be a blog post entirely about Natalie Portman and whether she did or did not totally invalidate every professional move she has ever made in one little Oscar speech. Let's talk about hosting! So this year's Oscar hosts were Anne Hathaway and James Franco... except, it was pretty clear that James Franco was blazed out of his mind and Anne Hathaway was carrying the show. In fact, it was almost less co-hosts and more Anne Hathaway, Oscar Host, and James Franco, her chaperone, requisite male body.

Just from the opening skit, it was really clear that this was Anne's show and everyone else just sort of lived there. She sings! She dances! She bitches at Hugh Jackman! She puts on a series of successively shinier dresses! Her enthusiasm introducing people is adorable! And James Franco just kind of squints at the lights like he's not sure what he's doing here because he's stoned out of his fucking mind. The only thing I got out of it was that the academy didn't trust a woman alone on stage to be able to keep the show moving, so they needed a guy to stand there and look manly.

My non-American friend who had never seen an Oscar telecast before pointed out, "But didn't Ellen [DeGeneres] host?"

The answer to this being that Ellen DeGeneres hosted the Oscars wearing a tux and sensible shoes, not a sparkly gown and heels. She's funny and manic and kind of butch. It's unthinkable to put Ellen DeGeneres in a sparkly dress and make her co-host with a man in a tux, but at the same time, if Anne Hathaway had put on a tux and sensible shoes and tried to host the Oscars by herself, it would have just been strange. She has to be in a sparkly dress, but I'm not sure that James Franco needs to stand beside her looking (very, very) confused and (very, very) pretty for the exercise to work. You'd think that a smart and self-assured woman could do the same job at a black tie event, regardless of whether she's wearing sequins or pants.

But what I get out of it is a statement that you cannot be both conventionally feminine and somehow emcee to a room of Hollywood's best and brightest, by yourself. The woman in the dress, with her coiffed hair and pretty necklaces, is weak. And this sort of goes back to the suit jackets with the shoulder pads from earlier - if you want power, you have to masculinize yourself.

Last point of the rant, Kathryn Bigelow. Kathryn Bigelow, you are a classy lady. Last year, all my friends and I cheered for you when you won Best Director. You were an inspiration. You had one of the prettiest dresses of the night. Everything I said earlier, about having to butch yourself up to gain influence? You defied it. You are a classy lady. So what was that fashion disaster you were wearing tonight ?

I know that my (and the rest of the country's, apparently) favorite pastime of snarking red carpet fashion is, on some level, fundamentally wrong, but you're so high profile, and it's because you're smart, and talented, and not because you're a pretty face who can look convincingly miserable. But if you're presenting an award to a bunch of middle-aged frat boys, in a category you took an upset win in last year, you'd better look amazing. And you didn't. And I was disappointed.

Okay, rant over.

Hey Sarah Palin,

Leave my first lady alone.

You, Sarah, are a washed up hack hanging onto her fifteen minutes of fame, who can't even raise her own children to understand that calling people faggots on facebook isn't socially acceptable behavior, let alone possibly be qualified to run a country. Your own relatives on the record saying you dropped out of U. Hawaii because there were "too many Asians" and you're currently in a fight with Alaskan Fish and Wildlife over getting too close to a family of bears, on national television. Your political track record consists of making embarrassing social gaffs, pandering to your competition ("Can I call you Joe?"), exposing yourself as an inarticulate ass on national television, and quitting halfway through your term as governor of the least densely populated state in the union. You advocate fear and misinformation.

The list goes on.

Michelle Obama, on the other hand, is classy, intelligent, well-spoken, educated about her causes, and stylish as all get out. You quoted her out of context and frankly your remarks about her hating white people only make you sound like an ignoramus. You didn't even actually say half the one-liners people attribute to you - Tina Fey did. You aren't even half as witty as she is.

In short, Michelle Obama is a better mother, politician, and all around human being than you could ever hope to be.

So shut up.

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."

-Abraham Lincoln