Useless excuse for a grad student

Dear EoE TA,

You are the most useless TA ever. Assignments were never graded on time, it was impossible to find out if you'd even received our homework, and you came to class approximately four times over the course of an entire semester.

We took the final exam in the class three weeks ago. It was composed entirely of multiple choice answers, meaning there's nothing subjective about the grading and you should be able to whiz through them. There were approximately 70 students in the class, which still doesn't justify not grading the exams sometime in the last three weeks. There is absolutely no reason why the grades should not be up by now.

No love,

Me.

Little Leez :)

My cousin recently posted a picture of me (aged five) to facebook in a big dump of old 90s hilarity. I thought I'd share here. :)

Just to prove that I was cute and little and innocent once.

A cool few days:

SO JUST A QUICK RECAP OF MY LIFE SINCE SATURDAY.

True Grit / Sushi Pizza (better than it sounds) / Japaenese Soda (see above) / Wizarding World of Harry Potter (see below) / Animatronic Triceratops / Single Rider Line (Here's a reward for not bringing small children to a theme park!) / Roller coasters / Catching up with the bestie / Tron Legacy / Starbucks with the bestie / The Fountain of Youth archeological park / Gypsy Cab Co. / St. Augustine Pirate and Treasure Museum / Spinning / Interviewed and photographed for the Times Union (See Friday's metro section! Really I have no idea what is going on.)

I will elaborate on any of these points further upon request!

One week to Young Playwrights Inc. Conference!

Happy holidays to YOU

I don't actually celebrate Christmas - you may have realized this by now. I am a Nice Jewish Girl - it comes with the territory. But I do have an awful lot of friends who celebrate Christmas. I grew up in the Southern United States, so this also comes with the territory. I also know a buttload of Christmas songs, and I inexplicably own a Santa hat with my name on it.

I really like the holiday season, though. I like decorations and fake snow and salvation army santas, and I like buying presents for people I love. Unlike some people I know, I don't mind being wished a "Merry Christmas" at checkout, because it's the season of love and joy and I'm sure the girl at the register is actually cynical enough 90% of the time without me lecturing her on being politically correct and doesn't need to be screamed at: HANUKKAH, I CELEBRATE HANUKKAH. I like gingerbread and candy canes and the Hershey Kiss varieties you can only find for about six weeks between Thanksgiving and the first week of January.

(Except the Cherry Cordial variety. Gross.)

So, blog readers, although I don't celebrate it, I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas full of love and light and family, and a happy new year as well. (I do celebrate New Years, in case you are wondering)

My plans tomorrow? I'm going to go see True Grit with my family, and then will probably eat some variety of Asian cuisine. (Chinese is traditional, but we prefer Japanese and Thai.)

Here's a picture of me/A Nice Jewish Girl in a santa hat:

(My webcam mirrors everything. The lettering really does go in the right direction)

WHO HAS TWO THUMBS, AND JUST GOT AN A IN HUMAN EVOLUTION, PLAYWRITING 1, AND FUNDAMENTALS OF THEATER ARTS?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THIS CHICK.

(New American Gothic and Evolution of the Earth grades haven't been posted yet, but I'm counting on them being a B and an A respectively.)

So this is pretty cool.

Vocaloids are one of those weird japanese things that I've always been sort of tangentially aware of but never really cared about, though they are pretty neat. I have friends who are really into this stuff, know all the names and histories of the different characters, but I never really cared. They're computer programs. If you have enough time on your hands, you download them and make them sing things. It's fun to listen to, but it's not really something I really care to get involved with, you know?

But I thought this was a really cool video.

The history of the whole wide world is grown-ups behaving like children.

Dear you,

Having now dealt with your immature behavior, it doesn't surprise me that your child is absolutely incompetent.

No love,

Me.

Study Hall Etiquette

I'm noticing that there's a specific way that people sit in a study hall. Isolated desks near power outlets are the most desirable, while central worktables are the least wanted. So if this is the study lounge:

Then the most desirable desks are the ones along the wall, furthest from the door which presents a constant source of distraction. Typically, however, this is divided by which desk is easiest to reach. The result is that the first desk occupied is usually one of the wall-side desks on the lower left hand side, and the second desk occupied is the desk directly across from it.

Once these two desks are occupied, a sorting algorithm is established. You cannot sit back-to-back or next to someone until a certain density is reached, otherwise it's regarded as rude. So the next person to enter takes the wall desk nearest the door, because seeing that there are others already in the study hall, they take the first desirable desk that they see. Once this desk is occupied, the fourth person to reach the lounge takes the top righthand desk against the wall, because it is intermediate between the easiest desk to reach and the most isolated desk, that fits all the requirements - ie, not back to back or next to another person, and not a table.

The desk back-to-back with the lefthand wall desk fills in fifth. Sixth is the desk across from the top lefthand desk.

Seventh is the table closer to the door, because the set of desks in the corner furthest from the door is awkward. It is only occupied once all other desks and one other table have been ruled out, and the bottom right desk is taken first.

From this point on, all desirable desks have been occupied and studiers must choose at their own risk. Back-to-back is always preferable to next to someone, and typically the remaining table will be unoccupied until a large, loud group of Stern students come in to work on their Econ. project. They'll probably be speaking Korean and you'll hate them because they are loud and don't seem to realize that there were other people in the study lounge before they took over.

Once all seats are occupied, anyone else attempting to use the study lounge will be subjected to bored glares until they get the hell out of dodge.

Yours truly avoiding studying for finals,

Leez

What makes a human a human?

"Mitochondrial Eve" is about 100-200 thousand years ago in Africa. This refers to not a single individual, but a single population of perhaps a thousand or fewer individuals from whom all modern humans are descended. While some of the adaptations we see in modern humans are certainly the result of evolving to be smarter, faster, and adaptable, the fact is that your ancestors were all horribly inbred. The skull of H. sapiens is fucking weird looking. Check it out:

H. Erectus:

H. Heidelbergensis:

H. Neanderthalensis:

H. Sapiens.

Do we actually look anything like our nearest relatives? No. Because, just like in West Virginia, it's all relative in Africa 100KYA. Our reduced palette and weird shaped skull? It's probably because your ancestors were making it with their first cousins. What's the fastest way to tell if something is an anatomically-modern Homo Sapiens or not?

Well, if you've got a mandible, the question to ask is... Does it have a chin?

That's right. The fastest way to identify if you've got H. Sapiens or H. Something Else is that little buildup of bone at the base of the mandible. And where does that come from? Well, you're reducing the size of your jaw, and the bone has to go somewhere. And if you decide to move up the face, what's the next defining feature?

Anatomically modern humans have no retromolar space. While in earlier forms the jaw extends past the base of the third molar, in humans the jaw is squashed in to reduce prognathism. What do we pay for our markedly reduced alveolar prognathism? Well, if you've ever had a wisdom tooth pulled, you know - Our jaws can't hold all our teeth. We're evolving out our M3.

You know who else didn't have an M3? H. Florensiensis. "The Hobbit." An island population that, over the course of a few hundred thousand years, managed to reduce everything about itself. You know what they wound up with? Smaller jaws, no M3s, and teeth more jacked up than a Liverpudlian. (No offense to the Liverpudlians.)

So, everything that makes us human? Founder effect. Genetic bottlenecks and inbreeding.

Giga Puddi

Is there much I love more than Weird Japanese Stuff? (Oh. Wait. Rockets, Neil Gaiman, dogs, and chai lattes. )But I do love strange Japanese confectionaries a whole lot. Mochi ice cream? Daifuku? Pocky? Bring that shit on, son. Delicious! And, fortunately, yours truly lives near one of two M2M Asian Grocery Stores in all of New York City. So if this stuff exists anywhere in Manhattan, it should not be too hard to find.

I propose we make this stuff, and do a reaction video. It'll be fun!

ALSO, Christoph Waltz as an angry Austrian Jew in the Water for Elephants movie? Be still, my fangirl heart! Oh Hollywood, you have redeemed yourself from the curse of Robert Pattinson in this truly wise casting choice. Christoph Waltz is a perfect August, all suave and debonair. I am now officially excited to see it!

Inappropriate answers to unspeakable questions.

Just let these wash over you and wonder what they go to.

"Whatever I want to do. Gosh."

"In my purse in the pocket with all the tampons... actually, let me get it for you."

"Because you're a girl."

"I can answer a question without using another question. What do you think I'm doing right now? Oh, shit."

"Whatever you're doing, stop it."

"He was a jackass."

"He was a badass."

"He was a bad seed."

"He'd gone to seed."

"He'd gone to pot."

"He'd gone to smoke some pot."

"We're not smoking pot."

"I used to see something in him. But not anymore."

"It was just a syllable, to make a syllable. Can there be consonants?"

"I tried to keep calm once, but panicking burns more calories."

"I stopped waiting for you."

"It all seems sort of pointless."

"I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum."

"I came here to dance."

"I came here to have a good time."

"I came here to find the man who killed my father."

"We don't like strangers in these parts."

"Mom told me not to ever talk to strangers."

"There are new kids every season on Barnie because he eats the old ones."

This is the only semblance of coherent thought I am capable of at this point in time.

BUT IN OTHER NEWS,

WHO HAS TWO THUMBS AND PROBABLY ACED HER EVOLUTION OF THE EARTH FINAL?

THIS CHICK.

I think that...

If I have a final and a job interview tomorrow, then my impatience with cinema studies is justified. Especially if we're talking about Parody and Horror and watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. Because when I have all that other stuff on my mind, being subjected to Tim Curry in drag on top of all that is just kind of cruel and unusual. :(

One week until the end of the semester. I really, really need it.

Lol poetry

I dwell in the esoteric.

They'll never find me here.

Three weeks ago

I held up my hands to my reflection

Showed it that

my knuckles were raw and cracked

"How can that be?" I asked it.

"I use lotion."

This morning,

my reflection shouted back:

IT'S BECAUSE YOU CHEW THEM.

And I could not tell if it was I

Or some character in a story

Who was relieved by this revelation

of oral fixation

and is it self-recognition

Or divine inspiration?

This compulsion to chew:

When people borrow my pens

I pre-empt their disgust

"I'm sorry, I chew,"

and I feel disgusted for them

Even as they take my ruined implements

and say "thank you"

and

"It's okay"

and

take notes on

the late cretaceous.

I feel connected to Paranthropus

That ancient relative

whose skull looks more

gorilla

than human

Thet call him

"hyper-robust"

and I memorize teeth sizes

jaw widths

sagittal crests

And I feel connected

because he got that way

through thousands of years

of being compelled

to chew.

STOP CARRYING YOUR CIGARETTES AT HAND LEVEL (And other things)

On multiple occasions I have been walking down a crowded street, ostensibly paying attention to where I'm going and trying to stay out of people's ways, only to feel a sudden stab/burn/shock to one of my hands. Invariably, when I look behind me, I discover that some dumbass has stabbed me in the hand with a cigarette that they are nonchalantly carrying at hand level, on a crowded sidewalk.

I am sure I am not the only person who has managed to get stabbed with other people's cigarettes.

I mean really, what the hell.

In happier news, I made the school paper.

But really people please be more careful with your cigarettes.

No Love Letters: back with a vengeance

Dear disdainful hipster girl,

Every week you sit in front of me in New American Gothic, and every week you look like you hate the world. Is there someone perpetually pissing in your cornflakes? And why do you turn around and give me dirty looks every time I so much as breathe? I have gone out of my way to not even /touch/ the back of your chair as of late, and you still keep looking at me like you wish I would go and die, so I don't know what it is that has you so incredibly pissed off 24/7.

But you know what? Keep right on glaring at me, because I'd rather feel like everyone hates me than go around hating everyone.

No love, me.

So I don't know why I've got 14 hits from Russia in the last day,

But I am kind of curious about it.

(Also today, hits from the US, Germany, and Slovenia! What the heck?)

ALSO HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THAT SOMETIMES THE HOT WATER IN PALLADIUM IS BROWN? D:

You are fair game if:

• You know I blog.
• You read my blog.
• You are related to me.
• I have known you for an exceedingly long amount of time.
• You are famous.
• There is a noteworthy event involving you.
• You are involved in amusing anecdotes I feel comfortable letting my mother read.

I will not blog about you if:

• You don't know I blog.
• You don't read my blog.
• I just met you and you are not famous.
• You don't read my blog yet but might in the future.
• I think you would be kind of weirded out if you knew I was blogging about you.
• You asked me not to.
• Anecdotes involving you are not mother-appropriate. (Like, if we got drunk together... I wouldn't blog about it.)

So, basically, by reading this post you are FAIR GAME.

Also Jesus Christ on a cracker, the roomies and I watched this tonight and it is amazing. I want to make movies like this.

Zoo day!

Today I went to the Bronx Zoo. It's kind of the wrong season for it, because it's cold and most of the animals are inside for the winter and it gets dark at like 4:30, but it was pretty fun. A lot of their exhibits (birds, primates, amphibians, reptiles....) are indoors, so we were still able to see them, and for $5 it's not really something to sniff at! Also they had tiger cubs and they were adorable. :) By the time we made it to the lions they'd already gone in for the day, though, and it seems like the zebras, wild dogs, and baboons were apparently never out at all today.

And it was cold and kind of an old, sad zoo with no sense to the layout and exhibits that were kind of prehistoric but it was fun and I met people and had a good time walking around talking to people.

The worst feeling in the world

Is getting a load of critique and then being told, "But you're done for the semester! Don't edit this right now! Don't even think about it! In fact, I expressly forbid you from editing!"

Asdfghjkl;;asd

I am literally sitting on my hands right now trying to not do rewrites. Sunday I'll start on my paper for cinema studies and hopefully forget all about my pressing need to TYPE TYPE TYPE DELETE DELETE DELETE WRITE LIKE A MANIAC.

But seriously giving me critique and telling me not to do anything with it is sadistic, man.