The Oscars, Anti-feminism, and singing in the key of Awkward

Disclaimers first, I'm not a very good feminist. I'm part of this weird nineties generation of girls that has been brought up to think we can be whatever we can be without having to fight for it. Because when I was a little girl, Barbie could be a doctor, a teacher, an airline stewardess, and an astronaut. (Never mind that she was subliminally telling me that math was hard.) Because I was born post-Tereshkova, post-Sally Ride, post-Thatcher, pre-Palin. Because Lisa Simpson told me that the glass ceiling wasn't just invisible, it was imaginary. Because I was promised a post-gender world as a child, one where women wore shoulder pads to make themselves masculine and imposing, where they ran business meetings and answered clunky cell phones phones and wore leg warmers when they exercised and had feathered hair. (This is what I remember of my formative years in the 90s. I might have them mixed up with the 80s.) So I'm not a very good feminist. But I still know it when I see it.

So let's talk about the Oscars. First of all, I feel betrayed by Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SMARTER THAN THIS. You went to Harvard! You understand math that just looks like squiggles and lines to me! You are "one of the brightest stars of the generation" and I don't know who I'm quoting on that but I'm sure I'm quoting someone. Indie darling, blockbuster queen, gracefully transitioning from child phenom into leading lady. So you've just won an Oscar! How does it feel?

Great? Good. What are you going to do next?

Make a speech? Well, sure, everyone does. A really long, rambly speech? Again, everyone does. You're going to thank everyone who has helped you, ever, in advancing your career to this point? Great, good for you, I love a gracious winner!

You're going to thank your boyfriend for giving you "the most important role" of your life?

WHAT.

WHAT.

WHAT.

You are going to thank the dude for knocking you up, on national television, and belittle EVERYTHING you have done in your entire life in the process?

WHAT.

WHAT.

WHAT.

This is not me "hating on breeders." I have no problem with people who have kids. In fact, I think kids are great. I want kids someday! However I don't think that anyone should be defined, or allow themselves to be defined, or define themselves, by their ability to spawn. "Oh, yeah, I cured cancer, developed an interplanetary rocket that runs on cow pies, and published a novel. But I guess that's all peanuts now that I'm pregnant." Or this:

I don't think I would have cared if she'd said "my next great role" or something of the ilk. It was the phrase "most important role" that bothered me. We tend to criminalize women who put their careers ahead of their kids and put women who put their kids ahead of their careers up on pedestals. There doesn't seem to be any sort of happy medium between the two, at least not in society's general view of things, but I know from my own personal experience that there must be, because my mother managed to raise three intelligent, responsible members of society from birth to adulthood while still becoming a successful and influential member of her field. And while I'm sure she's proud of my siblings and I, and proud of herself for raising us, I don't think that the fact of us totally belittles every single thing that she's ever done professionally.

But moving on, because this isn't actually meant to be a blog post entirely about Natalie Portman and whether she did or did not totally invalidate every professional move she has ever made in one little Oscar speech. Let's talk about hosting! So this year's Oscar hosts were Anne Hathaway and James Franco... except, it was pretty clear that James Franco was blazed out of his mind and Anne Hathaway was carrying the show. In fact, it was almost less co-hosts and more Anne Hathaway, Oscar Host, and James Franco, her chaperone, requisite male body.

Just from the opening skit, it was really clear that this was Anne's show and everyone else just sort of lived there. She sings! She dances! She bitches at Hugh Jackman! She puts on a series of successively shinier dresses! Her enthusiasm introducing people is adorable! And James Franco just kind of squints at the lights like he's not sure what he's doing here because he's stoned out of his fucking mind. The only thing I got out of it was that the academy didn't trust a woman alone on stage to be able to keep the show moving, so they needed a guy to stand there and look manly.

My non-American friend who had never seen an Oscar telecast before pointed out, "But didn't Ellen [DeGeneres] host?"

The answer to this being that Ellen DeGeneres hosted the Oscars wearing a tux and sensible shoes, not a sparkly gown and heels. She's funny and manic and kind of butch. It's unthinkable to put Ellen DeGeneres in a sparkly dress and make her co-host with a man in a tux, but at the same time, if Anne Hathaway had put on a tux and sensible shoes and tried to host the Oscars by herself, it would have just been strange. She has to be in a sparkly dress, but I'm not sure that James Franco needs to stand beside her looking (very, very) confused and (very, very) pretty for the exercise to work. You'd think that a smart and self-assured woman could do the same job at a black tie event, regardless of whether she's wearing sequins or pants.

But what I get out of it is a statement that you cannot be both conventionally feminine and somehow emcee to a room of Hollywood's best and brightest, by yourself. The woman in the dress, with her coiffed hair and pretty necklaces, is weak. And this sort of goes back to the suit jackets with the shoulder pads from earlier - if you want power, you have to masculinize yourself.

Last point of the rant, Kathryn Bigelow. Kathryn Bigelow, you are a classy lady. Last year, all my friends and I cheered for you when you won Best Director. You were an inspiration. You had one of the prettiest dresses of the night. Everything I said earlier, about having to butch yourself up to gain influence? You defied it. You are a classy lady. So what was that fashion disaster you were wearing tonight ?

I know that my (and the rest of the country's, apparently) favorite pastime of snarking red carpet fashion is, on some level, fundamentally wrong, but you're so high profile, and it's because you're smart, and talented, and not because you're a pretty face who can look convincingly miserable. But if you're presenting an award to a bunch of middle-aged frat boys, in a category you took an upset win in last year, you'd better look amazing. And you didn't. And I was disappointed.

Okay, rant over.