'Tane Diaries - one week in

Flaring.

Of course they warned me this would happen.

It'll all be worth it in five months.

How the mighty have fallen...

Oh, Tim Burton, I used to like you.

I haven't actually seen the fantasy train wreck known as "Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland" yet, but my faithful informer on all things pop culture, Audra, tells me it is more "Alice in Narnia," a mish-mash of fantasy tropes from all across the pop culture-sphere.

I asked, "So it's like Alice in Wonderland as written by Christopher Paolini?"

"No," she replied, "That's an insult to Eragon."

(Eragon, for the uninitiated, is what would happen if Star Wars and The Lord of the Rings had a lovechild, took one look at it and decided it was too horrible to behold, and left it on the doorstep of Dragon Riders of Pern, who promptly appointed Harry Potter as its godfather and Dune as its crazy gay uncle. Dr. Who seems to drift in and out, too - maybe it's Dune's boyfriend.)

(This metaphor gets more complicated every time I tell it.)

But back to Tim Burton. Tim Burton used to be this kooky director who made movies that incidentally had cult followings. His early stuff - Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands - have a definite quirky sensibility and an understanding that he's doing this for the art. And the cult following came later - most of the mall goths who run around in sweaters with Jack Skelington's face on them were in vitro when that movie was made.

(In the name of full disclosure, my favorite Tim Burton movie is Big Fish.)

But more and more often, it seems like Burton is making movies that, instead of developing a cult following after their release, are made specifically to pander to his cult following. Starting with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory back in 2005, good ol' Timmy B has sold out. The merchandise for his movies has been showing up in Hot Topic a full SIX MONTHS before the release of the movie - I've been seeing girls walking around in Cheshire Hat hoodies for his Alice since this summer. And of course there's the matter of choosing movies that already HAVE fan followings and readapting them.

1. Chose a classic film (or musical) that people have fond memories of.

2. Add Johnny Depp

3. ???

4. PROFIT!

Sweeny Todd? Stephen Sondheim has his own sizeable cult following, although musical theater kids are usually significantly happier and gayer than mall goths - what better thing to do than combine the fandoms? I agree that the movie was a good adaptation and Burton did a good job of not undermining Sondheim's original intentions, but really? Did we have to go there? And Alice in Wonderland has been a Mall Goth Favorite since 1995 - Really, Timmy? Really? Now you're just pandering to the least common denominator. What happened to your quirky directorial sensibility? Because lately you've been getting horrible reviews. The general consensus I've gleaned is that your Alice is bland and incoherent.

I'm sad. I miss the days when you worked in magical realism and quirky stories with a lot of heart. Bring back movies like Edward Scissorhands and Big Fish.

And for god's sake, we know you're married to Helena B-C and gay for Johnny Depp, but would it kill you to make a movie without them?

Complaining about shows I don't watch.

-Leez.

Settling

For some unknowable reason, I watched like five episodes of the MTV show "My Life as Liz" today. I actually find it marginally interesting, although its pretenses as a documentary or even a reality show are bullshit - it's scripted out the wazoo. I mean, I'm pretty sure I attended high school for four years, and it was never like this! Anywho, for the uninitiated, the spunky, sarcastic, red-haired indy-chick protagonist (Liz) asks a guitar-playing coffee-shop-employed skateboard-riding pretty boy (Bryson) to prom... and is turned down. Instead, she goes with her lovable, kilt-wearing lightsaber-wielding LARP-participating guy friend (Sully), who it has been revealed, over and over, has The World's Biggest Crush on her. (Despite the obvious contrived nature of the plot, it's still kind of sweet.) It is implied that, by going to prom with Sully, Liz is "settling" where she could "do better" (IE, Bryson, who seems like a bit of a jerk, or at the very least cardboard and a designated love interest.)

Given the option, I would take the slightly overweight best friend, and I wouldn't consider it settling.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am indoctrinated into a culture of "take the best you can get." That is to say, girls like me (tall but not tall enough to be models, slightly overweight, with bad skin and slightly androgynous facial features) don't get boys that look like Brad Pitt (or other ridiculously good looking celebrity. Let's pretend we're talking about the Brad Pitt who does not have a tentacle monster growing off his face.) When it seems like a guy who is "better than you can do" is interested in you, well, you don't believe it. And then you act stupid and you miss the opportunity and the fact that I talk like this is why I don't have any friends.

So there is sort of this societal view, or at least according to the folks who are surreptitiously scripting "My Life as Liz," that a funky Juno knockoff (minus teen pregnancy) like Liz deserves to be with a cute, bland boy instead of the smart, funny guy who incidentally has a double chin and is so obviously head over heels for her.

I would take him.

Metaphorgotten in this post, apparently. Maybe I should stop blogging at 11:30 at night.

A non-specific blog of things.

Fourth day on the 'Tane - no flares yet. I'm wondering if I'll be one of the lucky ones who doesn't get them at all but it's best to not count your chickens before they hatch. We'll see how things go as they progress, but so far so good. I had a couple weird side-effects - last night I could have sworn my computer screen was trying to crawl away from me - but nothing serious.

Somehow, between now and next Thursday, I'll be writing a 20 minute screenplay. Okay, here goes nothing. We'll see what happens.

THIS IS AWESOME. (Makes me think of the movie A Serious Man? I have no idea why.)

Really Cathartic

One of the best things you can ever do is write a bad play, a play you have no expectations for, that you earnestly dislike, that will never be performed, that everyone who reads it universally agrees is shitty. Because after you write this crappy play, the next thing you can possibly do will, at least, be better than the last thing you wrote.

Writing absolute shit is relaxing.

I'm not saying I'm a fan, but...

Sarah Palin never said "I can see Russia from my house." That was Tina Fey. Dear American Mass Media: if you're going to refer to it, at least attribute it right.

I'm not a fan of Palin's by any stretch of the imagine (she scares the shit out of me), but this really gets on my nerves.

Stuff

I started accutane today but I'm too lazy to take "Before" pictures. My skin is relatively clear at the moment (which is to say shitty), anyway, but I'm assured it'll flare before it gets better.

My song of the now:

Morbid, and, y'know, catchy.

Lyrics:

my dewy-eyed disney bride, what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
monsters?
whiskey-plied voices cried fratricide!
jesus don't you know that you could've died
(you should've died)
with the monsters that talk, monsters that walk the earth

and she's got red lipstick and a bright pair of shoes
and she's got knee high socks, what to cover a bruise
she's got an old death kit she's been meaning to use
she's got blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you
she's got blood in her eyes for you

certain fads, stripes and plaids, singles ads
they run you hot and cold like a rheostat, i mean a thermostat
so you bite on a towel
hope it won't hurt too bad

my dewy-eyed disney bride, what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
what monsters that talk, monsters that walk the earth

and she says i like long walks and sci-fi movies
if you're six foot tall and east coast bred
some lonely night we can get together
and i'm gonna tie your wrists with leather
and drill a tiny hole into your head