Selections from: Leez and Caleb snark the VMAs.

We were kind of hoping for wild and crazy to happen, but everyone was alarmingly well-behaved tonight. So here are our best lines, anyway.

Re: Katy Perry on the white carpet.

C: So, katy perry looks and sounds retarded.

Me: She has cotton candy in her hair. Also she's kind of a ditz. Also high on cold meds. This is going to be hilarious.

C: Yeah. XD Is she supposed to be performing.

Me: Idk. Snooki looks like she spent an hour in the toaster.

Re: Jenks

C: Lmao, jenks guy: 'look at me. I hang out with autistic kids.' 'and a rapper!' 'who went to jail!'

Re: Nicki Minaj is from outer space, and other weirdness in that dance number.

C: Um. Nicki minaj is ridiculous. 'haters, you can kill yourselves.' that dace.

Me: I think will.i.am. just did a sig heil.

C: Nicki minaj is a malfunctioning robot and will.i.am is a nazi. He even has the pink band where the swastika would be.

Me: Who thought this was a good idea?

Re: Bad Romance takes Best Female Video

C: That's right! Gaga wins!

Me: Katy Perry is giving her the stink eye.

C: Yeah. She wanted to go home with some trophies.

C: LMAO. 'FOR REMAKING THIS VIDEO OVER AND OVER AGAIN'

Re: The song "Kings and Queens"

Me: This song is about owls.

Re: Justin Bieber's performance.

Me: If this is not the gayest jbiebs performance ever idk wat.

C: Yeah. And all his dancers are black.

Me: Actually this goes beyond gay. This is just plain queer.

C: He actually has babies.

Me: That was just plain strange.

Re: Weird commercials

Me: Did you know that plan b one step is only one pill and works better the sooner you take it?

C: And it is not The Abortion Pill.

Re: Usher

Me: These jackets remind me of the fifth element.

C: Yeah! Like leeloo's outfit, but more.

Re: Bad Katy Perry/Nicki Minaj patter.

C: Katy is so high.

Me: That wasn't good patter. That was just Katy and Nikki being awkward.

C: What planet is nicky minaj from?

Me: Idk, but not this one.

C: She put on a british accent... and then made a weird face.

Me: Nikki minaj isn't British. I think she's a Martian.

Re: Florence and the Machine

Me: Florence looks less like a man without the kabuki makeup.

Me: It's like she's got polyphonic spree as her backup dancers.

Re: T-Swift

C: Ohmygod shes about to get him back

Me: Revengeeeeeeeee

C: I guess not?

Me: ...I think she's forgiving him.

C: Fuck. So much less interesting.

Re: Gucci ad.

Me: That was rumer willis.

Me: Rumer Willis and Chris Evans having sin city/sky captain and the world of tomorrow pastiche.

C: ....what.

Re: Airplanes

Me: Hayley Williams is like, "I'm a white girl. I can't dance like this.

Re: Linkin Park

Me: Everyone, just come to peace with that you liked linkin park in middle school and chill out. [In response to an immense amount of Linkin Park hate at the party I was at.]

Re: Kanye

C: Let's have a toast for the douchebags.